Saturday, July 2, 2011
Greece To Institute Monetary Reform
The Greek parliament, slightly tipsy from some strong ouzo, met at a small cafe in Piraeus today and voted to withdraw from the Euro zone in favor of a new gyro-based currency. Pronouncing their decision "delicious" and "meaty" the parliament proceeded to take the rest of the afternoon off for a nap. When asked to comment on this situation, European financial expert Eduard LeStrange just shook his head and walked away muttering to himself.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Fugitive Not Shot In Head in Pakistan
Longstanding fugitive James "Whitey" Bulger, Jr., who was on the FBI Ten Most Wanted List for numerous counts of murder and racketeering was not shot in the head yesterday and was not subsequently buried at sea. Bulger, who was wanted for murder, extortion, money laundering, conspiracy and narcotics distribution among other things was found in the Pakistani coastal town of Ras al Costello in a small compound where the FBI captured him alive and took him into custody where he will be extradited to Massachusetts where he will not be waterboarded for information.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Jim Jarmusch To Direct New Go-Bots Film
Acclaimed director Jim Jarmusch has been allegedly tapped to helm the controversial new Go-Bots film, The Memory of Lost Gears. Jarmusch, whose previous works include Night on Earth, Coffee & Cigarettes and Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai, released a terse statement through his spokesperson, a mute Haitian ice cream vendor. "I have been tapped," said Jarmusch in the cryptic telegram posted next to the chalk board of delicious frozen treats.
Go-Bot fans at Comic-On, in San Bernardino were excited by the news that the Go-Bots franchise would at last make it to the big screen.
"What I'm really looking forward to is a movie that isn't just one big blur," said longtime Go-Bots fan Bob Hall. "I think Jarmusch's pacing will help with that a lot."
Go-Bot fans at Comic-On, in San Bernardino were excited by the news that the Go-Bots franchise would at last make it to the big screen.
"What I'm really looking forward to is a movie that isn't just one big blur," said longtime Go-Bots fan Bob Hall. "I think Jarmusch's pacing will help with that a lot."
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Libyan Rebels Fire Military Advisors
The Libyan Provisional Government announced in Benghazi today that they would no longer need the services of Western advisors who have been acting as consultants for military strategy and tactics. The advisors, who were part of a team sent by the Risk Institute, a Washington-based think-tank, have been blamed for many of the missteps and errors that have characterized the Libyan rebel strategy. The rebel group has been increasingly frustrated by the stalemate brought on by the rigid strategy that requires the rebels take and hold Australia, New Guinea and Indonesia before they advance on Tripoli.
“How are we supposed to get to Australia from Tobruk?” asked Libyan rebel leader Omar Ali Sanussi who asked that his name be withheld. “We don’t even have boats or a dotted line representing sea transport.”
A spokeslady for the Parker Brothers, the shadowy millionaires who are said to be the chief funders of the conservative Risk Institute, released a statement that stood by their advisors. “We believe the Australia strategy to be the most sound way of keeping the rebels supplied with a constant, if small, amount of reinforcements every turn.”
“How are we supposed to get to Australia from Tobruk?” asked Libyan rebel leader Omar Ali Sanussi who asked that his name be withheld. “We don’t even have boats or a dotted line representing sea transport.”
A spokeslady for the Parker Brothers, the shadowy millionaires who are said to be the chief funders of the conservative Risk Institute, released a statement that stood by their advisors. “We believe the Australia strategy to be the most sound way of keeping the rebels supplied with a constant, if small, amount of reinforcements every turn.”
Friday, May 6, 2011
The Tarkin Memos--Declassified
From: Moff Jerjerrod
To: Grand Moff Tarkin
CC: Vader, Darth
RE: Rebel Prisoners
Sir,
I am writing to express some concern over our interrogation of rebel prisoners. Is what we are doing torture?
If it is torture is this legal? What is the status of rebel prisoners? I’ve heard disturbing stories from Tatooine about whole families being killed and their houses burned because they have been suspected of helping the rebels. Is this what our Empire is all about?
Please advise.
Your humble servant,
Moff Jerjerrod
---
From: Sub Moff Johnyoo
To: Moff Jerjerrod, Grand Moff Tarkin
CC: Vice-Moff Feith, Admiral Bybee, General Bortha
BCC: Vader, Darth
RE: Enhanced Interrogation Techniques
My esteemed Moff Jerjerrod,
The use of enhanced interrogation techniques on rebel prisoners is an absolute necessity for the security of the Empire. The rebels are first and foremost terrorists who are financed and aided by state apparatus that must be crushed quickly. In order to do this we must use every means necessary, even those that may seem repulsive.
The rebels are by definition illegal combatants as the only legal military force is the one authorized by the Galactic Senate and the Emperor. In other words, if they are not Imperial forces then they are illegal forces and are thus under no legal protection.
As for interrogation techniques, we are not bound by any convention with regards to treatment of these illegal entities and those who give them aid and comfort. As such, we can and must use all means at our disposal to prevent them from causing harm or injury to the Empire. We simply cannot fight the rebellion with one hand tied behind our backs. The effectiveness of interrogation techniques in securing actionable intelligence has been proven continually. In addition, these techniques also serve as a deterrent to those who might consider joining terrorist organizations. If a few Bothans die in the process or some Jawas are left rotting in the sand then it will stand as a warning to the rest. I have certainly not heard any stories about innocent civilians being killed by our soldiers but I assure you if any credible evidence of such behavior is presented to us then we will fully investigate those responsible.
I hope this clarifies matters.
Sincerely,
Moff Johnyoo
---
From: Grand Moff Tarkin
To: Moff Jerjerrod
CC: Sub Moff Johnyoo, Admiral Motti, General Veers, General Tagge
BCC: Vader, Darth
RE: Rebel Interrogations
Just to add to Moff Johnyoo’s eloquent statement, I would like to remind everyone that without the enhanced interrogation techniques employed by Lord Vader and other capable officers on the Death Star we would not have learned the location of the rebel base on Dantooine.
As for collateral damage, I will second the closing statement. Those who continue to assist and support these rebel scum cannot expect to evade justice. Any material assistance to rebel forces, armed or unarmed is a violation of Imperial law and must be dealt with severely. I can only hope that this will dissuade others from joining these terrorists. The destruction of Alderaan is a small price to pay for the security of the empire.
Consider this matter closed.
Tarkin
----
From: Moff Jerjerrod
To: Moff Johnyoo
RE: Yavin
In light of the fact that there was no rebel base on Dantooine anymore and that the information about it revealed under extreme threat and torture was clearly a red herring can we please dispense with these useless floating torture balls?
Jerjerrod
---
From: Moff Johnyoo
To: Moff Jerjerrod
RE: Operation Hoth Freedom
With the terrorist destruction of the Death Star and countless innocent lives therein it is more than ever incumbent upon us to use every means at our disposal to combat this threat. If we have to destroy every planet that has ever housed a single rebel or detain everyone ever associated with a rebel then we can and must do that.
Also, I understand that we are under contract to get a new model of floating torture ball in the next month or so. Give them a chance to work.
Moff Johnyoo
---
To: Grand Moff Tarkin
CC: Vader, Darth
RE: Rebel Prisoners
Sir,
I am writing to express some concern over our interrogation of rebel prisoners. Is what we are doing torture?
If it is torture is this legal? What is the status of rebel prisoners? I’ve heard disturbing stories from Tatooine about whole families being killed and their houses burned because they have been suspected of helping the rebels. Is this what our Empire is all about?
Please advise.
Your humble servant,
Moff Jerjerrod
---
From: Sub Moff Johnyoo
To: Moff Jerjerrod, Grand Moff Tarkin
CC: Vice-Moff Feith, Admiral Bybee, General Bortha
BCC: Vader, Darth
RE: Enhanced Interrogation Techniques
My esteemed Moff Jerjerrod,
The use of enhanced interrogation techniques on rebel prisoners is an absolute necessity for the security of the Empire. The rebels are first and foremost terrorists who are financed and aided by state apparatus that must be crushed quickly. In order to do this we must use every means necessary, even those that may seem repulsive.
The rebels are by definition illegal combatants as the only legal military force is the one authorized by the Galactic Senate and the Emperor. In other words, if they are not Imperial forces then they are illegal forces and are thus under no legal protection.
As for interrogation techniques, we are not bound by any convention with regards to treatment of these illegal entities and those who give them aid and comfort. As such, we can and must use all means at our disposal to prevent them from causing harm or injury to the Empire. We simply cannot fight the rebellion with one hand tied behind our backs. The effectiveness of interrogation techniques in securing actionable intelligence has been proven continually. In addition, these techniques also serve as a deterrent to those who might consider joining terrorist organizations. If a few Bothans die in the process or some Jawas are left rotting in the sand then it will stand as a warning to the rest. I have certainly not heard any stories about innocent civilians being killed by our soldiers but I assure you if any credible evidence of such behavior is presented to us then we will fully investigate those responsible.
I hope this clarifies matters.
Sincerely,
Moff Johnyoo
---
From: Grand Moff Tarkin
To: Moff Jerjerrod
CC: Sub Moff Johnyoo, Admiral Motti, General Veers, General Tagge
BCC: Vader, Darth
RE: Rebel Interrogations
Just to add to Moff Johnyoo’s eloquent statement, I would like to remind everyone that without the enhanced interrogation techniques employed by Lord Vader and other capable officers on the Death Star we would not have learned the location of the rebel base on Dantooine.
As for collateral damage, I will second the closing statement. Those who continue to assist and support these rebel scum cannot expect to evade justice. Any material assistance to rebel forces, armed or unarmed is a violation of Imperial law and must be dealt with severely. I can only hope that this will dissuade others from joining these terrorists. The destruction of Alderaan is a small price to pay for the security of the empire.
Consider this matter closed.
Tarkin
----
From: Moff Jerjerrod
To: Moff Johnyoo
RE: Yavin
In light of the fact that there was no rebel base on Dantooine anymore and that the information about it revealed under extreme threat and torture was clearly a red herring can we please dispense with these useless floating torture balls?
Jerjerrod
---
From: Moff Johnyoo
To: Moff Jerjerrod
RE: Operation Hoth Freedom
With the terrorist destruction of the Death Star and countless innocent lives therein it is more than ever incumbent upon us to use every means at our disposal to combat this threat. If we have to destroy every planet that has ever housed a single rebel or detain everyone ever associated with a rebel then we can and must do that.
Also, I understand that we are under contract to get a new model of floating torture ball in the next month or so. Give them a chance to work.
Moff Johnyoo
---
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