Greece To Institute Monetary Reform

The Greek parliament, slightly tipsy from some strong ouzo, met at a small cafe in Piraeus today and voted to withdraw from the Euro zone in favor of a new gyro-based currency. Pronouncing their decision "delicious" and "meaty" the parliament proceeded to take the rest of the afternoon off for a nap. When asked to comment on this situation, European financial expert Eduard LeStrange just shook his head and walked away muttering to himself.

Fugitive Not Shot In Head in Pakistan

Longstanding fugitive James "Whitey" Bulger, Jr., who was on the FBI Ten Most Wanted List for numerous counts of murder and racketeering was not shot in the head yesterday and was not subsequently buried at sea. Bulger, who was wanted for murder, extortion, money laundering, conspiracy and narcotics distribution among other things was found in the Pakistani coastal town of Ras al Costello in a small compound where the FBI captured him alive and took him into custody where he will be extradited to Massachusetts where he will not be waterboarded for information.

Jim Jarmusch To Direct New Go-Bots Film

Acclaimed director Jim Jarmusch has been allegedly tapped to helm the controversial new Go-Bots film, The Memory of Lost Gears. Jarmusch, whose previous works include Night on Earth, Coffee & Cigarettes and Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai, released a terse statement through his spokesperson, a mute Haitian ice cream vendor. "I have been tapped," said Jarmusch in the cryptic telegram posted next to the chalk board of delicious frozen treats.

Go-Bot fans at Comic-On, in San Bernardino were excited by the news that the Go-Bots franchise would at last make it to the big screen.
"What I'm really looking forward to is a movie that isn't just one big blur," said longtime Go-Bots fan Bob Hall. "I think Jarmusch's pacing will help with that a lot."

Libyan Rebels Fire Military Advisors

The Libyan Provisional Government announced in Benghazi today that they would no longer need the services of Western advisors who have been acting as consultants for military strategy and tactics. The advisors, who were part of a team sent by the Risk Institute, a Washington-based think-tank, have been blamed for many of the missteps and errors that have characterized the Libyan rebel strategy. The rebel group has been increasingly frustrated by the stalemate brought on by the rigid strategy that requires the rebels take and hold Australia, New Guinea and Indonesia before they advance on Tripoli.
“How are we supposed to get to Australia from Tobruk?” asked Libyan rebel leader Omar Ali Sanussi who asked that his name be withheld. “We don’t even have boats or a dotted line representing sea transport.”
A spokeslady for the Parker Brothers, the shadowy millionaires who are said to be the chief funders of the conservative Risk Institute, released a statement that stood by their advisors. “We believe the Australia strategy to be the most sound way of keeping the rebels supplied with a constant, if small, amount of reinforcements every turn.”

The Tarkin Memos--Declassified

From: Moff Jerjerrod
To: Grand Moff Tarkin
CC: Vader, Darth
RE: Rebel Prisoners

Sir,

I am writing to express some concern over our interrogation of rebel prisoners. Is what we are doing torture?
If it is torture is this legal? What is the status of rebel prisoners? I’ve heard disturbing stories from Tatooine about whole families being killed and their houses burned because they have been suspected of helping the rebels. Is this what our Empire is all about?
Please advise.

Your humble servant,
Moff Jerjerrod

---
From: Sub Moff Johnyoo
To: Moff Jerjerrod, Grand Moff Tarkin
CC: Vice-Moff Feith, Admiral Bybee, General Bortha
BCC: Vader, Darth
RE: Enhanced Interrogation Techniques

My esteemed Moff Jerjerrod,

The use of enhanced interrogation techniques on rebel prisoners is an absolute necessity for the security of the Empire. The rebels are first and foremost terrorists who are financed and aided by state apparatus that must be crushed quickly. In order to do this we must use every means necessary, even those that may seem repulsive.
The rebels are by definition illegal combatants as the only legal military force is the one authorized by the Galactic Senate and the Emperor. In other words, if they are not Imperial forces then they are illegal forces and are thus under no legal protection.

As for interrogation techniques, we are not bound by any convention with regards to treatment of these illegal entities and those who give them aid and comfort. As such, we can and must use all means at our disposal to prevent them from causing harm or injury to the Empire. We simply cannot fight the rebellion with one hand tied behind our backs. The effectiveness of interrogation techniques in securing actionable intelligence has been proven continually. In addition, these techniques also serve as a deterrent to those who might consider joining terrorist organizations. If a few Bothans die in the process or some Jawas are left rotting in the sand then it will stand as a warning to the rest. I have certainly not heard any stories about innocent civilians being killed by our soldiers but I assure you if any credible evidence of such behavior is presented to us then we will fully investigate those responsible.

I hope this clarifies matters.

Sincerely,
Moff Johnyoo
---

From: Grand Moff Tarkin
To: Moff Jerjerrod
CC: Sub Moff Johnyoo, Admiral Motti, General Veers, General Tagge
BCC: Vader, Darth
RE: Rebel Interrogations

Just to add to Moff Johnyoo’s eloquent statement, I would like to remind everyone that without the enhanced interrogation techniques employed by Lord Vader and other capable officers on the Death Star we would not have learned the location of the rebel base on Dantooine.

As for collateral damage, I will second the closing statement. Those who continue to assist and support these rebel scum cannot expect to evade justice. Any material assistance to rebel forces, armed or unarmed is a violation of Imperial law and must be dealt with severely. I can only hope that this will dissuade others from joining these terrorists. The destruction of Alderaan is a small price to pay for the security of the empire.

Consider this matter closed.

Tarkin
----

From: Moff Jerjerrod
To: Moff Johnyoo
RE: Yavin

In light of the fact that there was no rebel base on Dantooine anymore and that the information about it revealed under extreme threat and torture was clearly a red herring can we please dispense with these useless floating torture balls?

Jerjerrod
---

From: Moff Johnyoo
To: Moff Jerjerrod
RE: Operation Hoth Freedom

With the terrorist destruction of the Death Star and countless innocent lives therein it is more than ever incumbent upon us to use every means at our disposal to combat this threat. If we have to destroy every planet that has ever housed a single rebel or detain everyone ever associated with a rebel then we can and must do that.

Also, I understand that we are under contract to get a new model of floating torture ball in the next month or so. Give them a chance to work.

Moff Johnyoo
---

Irvin Kershner Takes Secrets With Him To Grave

Renowned director and raconteur Irvin Kershner, known best as the mastermind behind The Empire Strikes Back passed away November 27, 2010. With Kershner's passing the secret history of the making of the Empire Strikes Back becomes ever more secret as the infamous George Lucas impersonator George Lucas and Lawrence Kasdan become the last people to know anything about the disappearance of film director and special effects wizard George Lucas who was replaced by the current George Lucas in 1983 shortly before the release of Star Wars: Revenge of the Jedi. Lucas's disappearance and replacement, along with the mysteries of the Leigh Brackett draft screenplay have long fuelled rumors and speculation. The current George Lucas insists that he has always been George Lucas, but digital effects on his beard that could not in any way be organic have given rise to the widely held notion that he is an impostor.

Leslie Nielsen's Death to Affect TV Ratings

With the recent passing of renowned actor and raconteur Leslie Nielsen the Nielsen Television ratings system which gauges viewership through an arcane and often inscrutable methodology will face its first major crisis since before 1999 when Danish actress and renowned raconteur Connie Nielsen was introduced onto the panel which helped break some of the deadlock that had paralyzed the Nielsen ratings since renowned raconteur and actress Brigitte Nielsen's entrance to the committe in 1984. With Nielsen's death, Nielsen and Nielsen are likely to be at odds over many choices in programming though the ratings for FX's hit show and renowned source of stories for raconteurs Sons of Anarchy are unlikely to be affected.

Alleged Nazi Death Camp Guard Gets Married

Radio personality and prominent conservative Rush Limbaugh, who denies being the infamous Nazi death camp guard Ruslan Lemyanuk, aka "Ruslan the Blood Drinker," was married in Florida on June 5th. This is Limbaugh's fourth marriage since the end of the Second World War when Ruslan "The Blood Drinker", who was responsible for thousands of deaths, went missing. The wedding, which did not feature any mention of the Ukrainian war criminal Ruslan Lemyanuk, aka "Ruslan the blood drinker," featured a surprise performance by Elton John, who denies any knowledge of the whereabouts of Ruslan Lemyanuk. Limbaugh, who vehemently denies being the long-missing vicious murderer Ruslan Lemyanuk, aka "Ruslan the Blood Drinker" and his new wife, who most likely engaged in premarital intimacy, are not expected to issue any joint statements about Limbaugh's past.

Haitians Vow Revenge for Earthquake

In a press conference in Port au Prince Haitian Minister of Defense Lucien Loupgarou said that his country's armed forces were prepared to retaliate against those responsible for the earthquake that wrecked much of the Haitian capital earlier this month.
"We will find those who were behind this disaster and strike them as well as any countries who are harboring or supporting those responsible for this terrible tragedy."
Experts speculate that the Haitians will launch some sort of attack on areas of seismic activity on the island of Montserrat, but Haitian Neoconservative advisors Richard Perle and Paul Wolfowitz have been heard repeatedly making reference to a "fault line of evil" between Syria and Oklahoma that "will require a long-term Haitian commitment to pre-emptive invasion and restructuring."
So far, Haitian tempers seem to have been mitigated by their concentration on relief and recovery as well as their meagre retaliatory resources, but Haitian hawks are increasingly banging metaphorical kettle drums of revenge as they ask "how long can we let those responsible for this earthquake go unpunished?"

'Cats' Composer's Tumor to Pen New Musical

In an almost stunning announcement today, Andrew Lloyd-Webber's newly discovered prostate cancer said that it would begin working on a musical based on the life of aviator Charles Lindbergh. The allegedly malignant tumor who insists that it is benign, reportedly said it was "sick and tired of Andy's bullcrap music" and that it could put together a better book and lyrics "even while being pelted with gamma radiation."
Lloyd-Webber, who recently announced an upcoming sequel to The Phantom of the Opera, entitled The Ghoul of the Moulin de la Galette, was unavailable for comment but a spokesperson for Lloyd-Webber could not keep a straight face while attempting to read a press release about the new musical and when asked about the tumor's boast about being able to "out-write that nitwit with one prostate tied behind my back and no thumbs" the spokesperson, still wheezing from uncontrollable chortling, merely nodded aggressively and mouthed the word "probably."

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American Graffiti Prequel Announced

In an unsurprising move, filmmaker George Lucas (who, incidentally, denies being the notorious Nazi Death camp guard Ruslan Lemyanuk, aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker") has announced that principle pondering about the script has begun on a new film project that will be intended as a prequel to his hit 1973 film American Graffiti. The film, American Clean Wall, will be a coming of age story about a group of 5 year olds spending one last nap-time together before they go their separate ways in First Grade. The project was initially titled American Blank Wall, but Mr. Lucas changed the title when 5 year old Charlie Johnson of Narbonne, France, wrote him, saying "'Blank Wall' implies a form of emptiness and an unfinished quality, but a clean wall would connote innocence and purity."
The film is expected to feature a bunch of 5 year old kids of variable acting ability ranging from actually good to dumber than a bag of headless hammers and several older actors of similar capabilities as their parents and teachers and other adults including a couple of actors who, no doubt, will be entrusted with larger roles despite their incredible inability to simulate any kind of life-forms with any degree of verisimilitude. The half-witted and severely noxious script will be composed by a tank full of dolphins bumping their noses against buttons on the side of their enclosure and will be subsequently dumbed down and made "nicer" by legendary screenwriting guru Robert McKee (who denies being the notorious war criminal Ruslan Lemyanuk, aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker") with additional dialogue by a hamster and his three guinea pig friends as well as the five year old child whose pets they are.
Critics are already hailing the unwritten and unfilmed project as "A masterpiece!" "The feel good film of the year, whichever year it finally comes out!" and "Something that Lucas actually wrote over 45 years ago but has waited until now when he thought that special effects technology was finally up to par with his vision."

Obama to Offer Hugs for Atoms

As part of a new diplomatic initiative, the State Department is announcing the "Hugs for Atoms" program to roll back nuclear proliferation. The program is designed to offer large-scale opportunities for hugging and "outreach" to countries who are prepared to make a pledge to ban all nuclear activities and to pursue peaceful dismantling of their nuclear programs.
State Department underspokesperson Mindy McLemyanuk (who denies any relation to the notorious Nazi death camp guard Ruslan Lemyanuk aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker") said "We know that people like hugs and the hugs are much better than uranium enrichment, so why not give hugs a chance to take over from centrifuges." Skeptics, including conservative analyst Marcus Porcius Cato from the Porcii Institute have expressed doubts about the program. "Rogue countries," said Mr. Cato in a speech to the Rostrum Club of Rome, Georgia, "and even non-rogue countries that are still sane and have working mental faculties aren't just going to roll over and give up their rights under the Non-Proliferation Treaty for a hug or two. I mean, they're not a bunch of Okies." Meanwhile in a speech to a cafetorium full of 1st Graders Under Secretary of State for Hugging Affairs Ruslan Lemyanuk said "Elmo likes hugs, and Elmo is an honorable...person. Nuclear weapons are bad. And countries that enrich uranium are sad. Hugs make people happy. People need hugs and we're going to give them hugs until the bad goes out of them."
In a related story, singer-songwriter Jewel is rumored to be in talks with the Pet Shop Boys, Tiffany, Susanna Hoffs, Kajagoogoo, Chris Isaak and Sigue Sigue Sputnik to be putting together a "Hugs for Africa" concert.

Limbaugh Denies War Criminal Past

Conservative talk-show host and commentator Rush Limbaugh is vehemently denying charges that he is the notorious Nazi death camp guard Ruslan Lemyanuk aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker." The Simon Wisenheimer Center has promised to look into the matter, and a spokesman for the center said that they "hope the matter can be resolved in a manner that will bring peace to the memories of all those whose blood calls out for justice."
Limbaugh, who denies being a Nazi death camp guard, has been repeatedly singled out for suspicion despite no compelling physical evidence that he was, in fact Ruslan Lemyanuk aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker."
Israeli authorities have not yet expressed an interest in extraditing Limbaugh, who denies being Ukrainian, or a Nazi death camp guard, and also denies being Ruslan Lemyanuk aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker." But Israeli law does provide for the possibility of the death sentence for Limbaugh if in fact he is proven to be the alleged war criminal Ruslan Lemyanuk aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker" and is then extradited to Israel and found guilty.
Several European states, including Russia and Germany, also have provisions for prosecuting Mr. Limbaugh for war crimes committed while he was a Nazi death camp guard, if he is found to be Ruslan Lemyanuk aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker" and is then extradited.
In a brief statement on his radio show today Limbaugh denied being Ukrainian while continuing to deny being a war criminal and also denying that he is the notorious death camp guard Ruslan Lemyanuk aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker."

Starbucks Unveils New "Beverage"

Starbucks unveiled its new beverage, the Venti Can of Coke which is also available as an Iced Venti Can of Coke. Marketing and Advertising representatives were ecstatic in their praise for the innovative new drink, while consumers of liquids cautiously expressed optimism that it wouldn't be another fiasco like 1999's Grande Mocha Delaware Punch. The Venti Can of Coke is expected to cost between $4 and $6 depending on what pretentious hipsters are willing to pay to be considered "with it."

Iraqis Not Quite Sure Why They’re Celebrating Bea Arthur’s Death

Baghdad, Iraq – Jubilant and somewhat confused Iraqis crowded Baghdad’s al Maud Square to celebrate the death of Bea Arthur as the government declared three days of national thanksgiving for the dubious triumph. Sunnis, Shias, Kurds, Turkomans, Chaldeans, Sabaens, a pair of Uighurs and even some Okies gathered together to pull down a statue of Bea Arthur which was then pelted with shoes and sheep dung. The depth of Iraqi hatred for Bea Arthur seemed to be a surprise even to Iraqis themselves. “I didn’t even know we had a statue of this woman here to begin with,” one Iraqi bystander said, “but for some reason we can all agree that we don’t like her.” Foreign governments at a loss to understand the situation were quick to offer messages of support and congratulations.
In an unrelated story, Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al Maliki is expected to call for seven days of national mourning for Dom Deluise.

God Fires Warning Shots at Alaska

In an attempt to get the people of Alaska to repent and turn aside their wickedness God has reportedly fired several warning shots all last week from Mount Redoubt. God was unavailable for comment, but a leaked memo seemed to indicate that several commandments had been broken with especial emphasis on numbers 1, 2 and 3. There is no word yet on what level of smiting Alaska is expected to receive, but some voices in the wilderness seem to expect that at the very least God intends to turn the most recalcitrant of Alaska's vainglorious sinners into "shiftless Okies, drifting from place to place with the ashes of their destruction marking them." Alaska Deputy Lieutenant Governor Abner Belshazzar dismissed the notion that God is preparing to smite Alaska, saying "It's a simple matter of volcanic activity, and nothing supernatural at all. Now, does anyone know where I can get a bucket of lamb's blood?"

Attempted Coup in Madagascar Led by Lemurs

Proclaiming that they "like to move it, move it" troops of the Madagascar army have stormed the residence of President Marc Ravalomanana. Witnesses saw soldiers and several lemurs driving an armored vehicle through the gates of the Antananarivo residence while gyrating wildly. No word yet on whether the lemurs are being aided by penguins.

Fitch Separatists Take Over Stores

Separatists belonging to the Fitch Independence Movement have taken over a dozen Abercrombie & Fitch stores in malls across the country in a move that has stunned experts who predicted a peaceful resolution of the tensions between Abercrombie and Fitch loyalists. Abercrombie Unionist spokeman Ian Toolbaugh denounced the Fitch rebellion in casual press conference where he was repeatedly interrupted by a touch football game in the background.
Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov has offered full diplomatic recognition to the Fitchkrian Republic and has suggested that any move by Abercrombie troops to take back the breakaway Fitch stores will trigger Russian military intervention. "The Russian Federation is not a collection of Okies to be trifled with. We will not stand idly by while Abercrombie oppresses the peaceful people of Fitch.
US State Department Spokesman Dan Dorrity declined to take a position on the matter, merely stating that the US position would be clear just as soon as senior officials had finished having lunch with lobbyists for the powerful Abercrombie American Political Action Committee.

Hurrican Adlai Expected To Bring Dry, Witty Weather

Meteorologists report that a new Tropical Weather System, named Hurricane Adlai, will be heading into the Gulf of Mexico bringing up the rear right behind Hurricane Ike. Hurricane Adlai will likely lightly mist the Gulf Coast of Texas with intellectually satisfying progressive rain showers and witty aphorisms. Hurricane Adlai will probably not be as thunderous as Hurricane Ike and will go right over the heads of less educated coastal residents who are still reeling from the pounding they took from Hurricane Strom last season.