Cato Institute Games Unveils New Dance Game

Cato Institute Games, a branch of the Washington based think tank, unveiled a new arcade game designed to "teach children values and possibly entertain them." The game, called Dance Dance Counter-Revolution, is set to debut at numerous Pizza/Arcade locations nationwide this week.

Lieberman Accuses Iran of Training Rodents, Other Small Mammals

In a speech at the Amalgamated Aluminum and Linoleum Line Workers League Buffet Hall today Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman accused Iranian Revolutionary Guard agents of training special teams of muskrats and beavers for the purposes of undermining flood barriers. "I have very reliable information that agents of the Qute Force of the Revolutionary Guards, with the knowledge of the highest levels of the Iranian government, have established training camps for small furry mammals, including the muskrats responsible for the destruction of the Mississippi River levees during last month's flood," said Lieberman. The Senator went on to imply that theses special furry teams could also have been behind the disasters of Hurricane Katrina. "We must be vigilant against this new menace and I believe we can't waste any time in striking at the training mounds and hutches and warrens or wherever else these varmints are being trained." Colorado Representative Tom Tancredo concurred with Lieberman's accusations adding that "these critters are clearly not American. They're small brown and furry and clearly coming in through our porous borders."
While many biologists have recently attempted to explain that muskrats and beavers are in fact native to North America, columnist William Kristol was quick to reply in an editorial in The Weekly Standard that these biologists are clearly "anti-Semitic Okies."
Iranian representatives have freely admitted in the past that they used trained badgers in the 1980-1988 Iran-Iraq war and Hezbollah resistance fighters in Southern Lebanon were observed to use exceptionally fast rabbits and hares as well as falcons to gather information on Israeli troop movements in the 2006 summer conflict.

Apple Unveils New Macintosh Leonard OS

Apple Computers proudly unveiled its new Leonard operating system today. Apple head honcho Steve Jobs beamed as the new Leonard OS was given a test run in front of a small room full of pathetic journalists who think technology makes a difference.
"Leonard 6.0 is giant leap forward in flexibility and power," said one paid minion. "I really don't know what this is about," said a bewildered journalist, "but I hear if you stay 'til the end there's crackers and cheese in the lobby." Biz for the new OS is expected to be boffo compared to Leonard 5.0, but some forecasters predict that with a little bit of patience consumers can just wait for Leonard 7.0 for about as much good as any of them will do when you don't have a job or a place to live in the coming economic mess.

Sleep for Two

Scientists studying sleep have announced a new breakthrough in their understanding of the mental cycles involved in brain hibernation. "We've known about the effects of REM sleep for some time," said a scientist, "but until now we had not understood the effects of 10,000 Maniacs sleep." According to the Institute for Science Things, the Natalie Merchant based sleep has profound effects on the mind and is especially connected to insomnia and speech aberrations such as Acute Affected Accent Syndrome and Lost Relationship Weeping Disorder. Scientists were unable to explain just what this breakthrough implied without resorting to meaningless jargon and vague pleasant-sounding generalities. "The answers are not quite as obvious as they are for the Belle & Sebastian Sleep Cycle," said another scientist.

Iraqi Truce Eyed Warily in Light of WGA Strike

Leaders of the Sadr movement in Iraq and their Mahdi Army allies are reported to be reconsidering their cease-fire in light of the recent developments in the Writer's Guild Strike. Spokescleric Kazim al-Ghazi has been quoted as saying: "I don't see why we can't get a percentage of DVD sales and internet revenue, too. What are we, a bunch of Okies?"
Although it remains unclear just what DVD's or internet content is being talked about Sunni militias and CLC's [Concerned Local Citizens) have also grown restless. Several protesters in Ramadi could be seen waving signs that read "Hollywood Must Pay!" and "Producers are Greedier than Saddam ever was!"
Hollywood producers were unavailable for comment but they are clearly rattled by the implications. "We may just have to cut a deal," said one producer's minion who preferred to remain anonymous. "These people mean business. I don't know what they want, but they'll probably get it."
Spokespersons for coalition forces in Iraq refused to comment on the record, but indicated that if Hollywood producers caved to the demands of the Shia and Sunni then they would expect to go on strike next. "What are we, a bunch of Okies?" said one officer. "We're as good as the writers, directors, actors and militias."

Kosovo Declares Independence, Dude Abides

As most Kosovars celebrated the dual announcement of the end of the WGA Writer's Strike and the declaration of Kosovo's independence, Serbians gathered in Belgrade today to fume and vent their anger toward the "Balkan-hating Okies" who they claim have taken away their prized province. Crowds in Belgrade chanted slogans such as "Okies go home!" and "Where's my freakin' pizza?" while demonstrators held up signs reading "Homeless Veteran, Plez help, God Bless" and "Why lie? I need a beer."
While Serbian Prime Minister Kostunica belligerently declared Okies and members of the WGA unwelcome in Belgrade, Serbian President Boris Tadic merely shook his head sadly and said "That province really held the room together."
Kosovo's new goverment responded immediately, issuing a statement that denied ever peeing on the province and stating definitively that Kosovo "is bonafide."
The entire country of Montenegro was unavailable for comment, as usual.

Studios Bring in Scab Writers to Break Strike

Several Hollywood studios have announced their intention to hire scabs and migrant laborers to break the impending strike by the Writer's Guild.
While WGA spokesperson Lefty Redman was unavailable for comment, other Hollywood writers could be found in various coffeeshops around Los Angeles kicking around ideas for picket signs. "How about 'Whatchu talkin' about Paramount?'" queried one overpaid hack while stirring cinnamon into his decaf mocha. "That's gold," responded another. "Everybody Loves Raymond, But What About Raymond's Writers?" said one writer while several people at the table behind him made silent gagging gestures.
"If someone watches a show I wrote for free it's like they're stealing money from me," said one coke-snorting scribe who seemed to misunderstand the point of my rather ingeniously worded question.
"Not just anyone can write an episode of Grey's Anatomy or Desperate Housewives," explained writer Elizabeth Johnson. "It's not like some Okie off the farm can come up with those situations or the snappy dialogue. We're highly trained professionals and we deserve respect."
Studio executives, though, beg to differ. "By the time we're done giving notes and interfering with the average television show it doesn't even bear the slightest resemblance to what these writers came up with," said one studio executive who refused to give his/her name. "Let's face it. Most of these people churn out crap and then we stir it up and smooth it out so that it couldn't possibly be interesting to anyone with a brain cell. 'McDreamy', 'McSteamy'? How about 'McStinky'? We could pay several dozen writers in India a fraction of what these scribblers get and we'd probably end up with something more snappy and literate, for the most part. And we'll still end up flattening it out into complete tripe anyway."
Potential television viewers are even more sanguine about the prospects. "Hell, I've already written several fan-fic episodes of Heroes [a popular network program] and I'd be more than willing to work as a writer for that show even if they paid me the same as Wal-Mart pays me--maybe even less."
Such sentiments seem to be common and become even more pronounced as more viewers learn about the amount of lucre at stake in this labor dispute.
"They get how much?" asked my Grandmother over the phone. "They should be covered in donkey poo and run out of town and you should offer to take their jobs for half the pay. And you can work from home, too."
Thanks, Grandma. I can't help but agree and I'm sure America agrees too.