God Fires Warning Shots at Alaska

In an attempt to get the people of Alaska to repent and turn aside their wickedness God has reportedly fired several warning shots all last week from Mount Redoubt. God was unavailable for comment, but a leaked memo seemed to indicate that several commandments had been broken with especial emphasis on numbers 1, 2 and 3. There is no word yet on what level of smiting Alaska is expected to receive, but some voices in the wilderness seem to expect that at the very least God intends to turn the most recalcitrant of Alaska's vainglorious sinners into "shiftless Okies, drifting from place to place with the ashes of their destruction marking them." Alaska Deputy Lieutenant Governor Abner Belshazzar dismissed the notion that God is preparing to smite Alaska, saying "It's a simple matter of volcanic activity, and nothing supernatural at all. Now, does anyone know where I can get a bucket of lamb's blood?"

Attempted Coup in Madagascar Led by Lemurs

Proclaiming that they "like to move it, move it" troops of the Madagascar army have stormed the residence of President Marc Ravalomanana. Witnesses saw soldiers and several lemurs driving an armored vehicle through the gates of the Antananarivo residence while gyrating wildly. No word yet on whether the lemurs are being aided by penguins.

Fitch Separatists Take Over Stores

Separatists belonging to the Fitch Independence Movement have taken over a dozen Abercrombie & Fitch stores in malls across the country in a move that has stunned experts who predicted a peaceful resolution of the tensions between Abercrombie and Fitch loyalists. Abercrombie Unionist spokeman Ian Toolbaugh denounced the Fitch rebellion in casual press conference where he was repeatedly interrupted by a touch football game in the background.
Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov has offered full diplomatic recognition to the Fitchkrian Republic and has suggested that any move by Abercrombie troops to take back the breakaway Fitch stores will trigger Russian military intervention. "The Russian Federation is not a collection of Okies to be trifled with. We will not stand idly by while Abercrombie oppresses the peaceful people of Fitch.
US State Department Spokesman Dan Dorrity declined to take a position on the matter, merely stating that the US position would be clear just as soon as senior officials had finished having lunch with lobbyists for the powerful Abercrombie American Political Action Committee.

Hurrican Adlai Expected To Bring Dry, Witty Weather

Meteorologists report that a new Tropical Weather System, named Hurricane Adlai, will be heading into the Gulf of Mexico bringing up the rear right behind Hurricane Ike. Hurricane Adlai will likely lightly mist the Gulf Coast of Texas with intellectually satisfying progressive rain showers and witty aphorisms. Hurricane Adlai will probably not be as thunderous as Hurricane Ike and will go right over the heads of less educated coastal residents who are still reeling from the pounding they took from Hurricane Strom last season.

Israel to Offer Land for Land in New Peace Deal

In what it has termed its "most generous offer yet" the Israeli cabinet is set to approve an offer to Palestinians of up to 90% of the West Bank in Second Life in return for 70% of Palestinian controlled territories in the West Bank. "90 for 70, how can you say no to a deal like that," proclaimed chief Israeli negotiator Shulamit Loewenstein. The office of Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas issued a cautious statement, indicating that they "would have to review the details of the offer." US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice expressed optimism in a press conference in Tbilisi. "This is a positive step forward and we hope the Palestinian people and their representatives will respond positively and make a choice for peace." Meanwhile, Hamas spokeman Ahmad Yunis reacted negatively to the Israeli proposal that would leave several large settlements in Second Life and which would still leave Israel in control of border crossings and airspace over Second Life West Bank and Gaza. "Second Life, really?" said the Hamas spokesman, "They must think we're a bunch of ignorant Okies." In a separate statement Secretary of State Rice proposed a one time payment of $2 million Linden Dollars to aid Palestinian reconstruction.

Cato Institute Games Unveils New Dance Game

Cato Institute Games, a branch of the Washington based think tank, unveiled a new arcade game designed to "teach children values and possibly entertain them." The game, called Dance Dance Counter-Revolution, is set to debut at numerous Pizza/Arcade locations nationwide this week.

Lieberman Accuses Iran of Training Rodents, Other Small Mammals

In a speech at the Amalgamated Aluminum and Linoleum Line Workers League Buffet Hall today Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman accused Iranian Revolutionary Guard agents of training special teams of muskrats and beavers for the purposes of undermining flood barriers. "I have very reliable information that agents of the Qute Force of the Revolutionary Guards, with the knowledge of the highest levels of the Iranian government, have established training camps for small furry mammals, including the muskrats responsible for the destruction of the Mississippi River levees during last month's flood," said Lieberman. The Senator went on to imply that theses special furry teams could also have been behind the disasters of Hurricane Katrina. "We must be vigilant against this new menace and I believe we can't waste any time in striking at the training mounds and hutches and warrens or wherever else these varmints are being trained." Colorado Representative Tom Tancredo concurred with Lieberman's accusations adding that "these critters are clearly not American. They're small brown and furry and clearly coming in through our porous borders."
While many biologists have recently attempted to explain that muskrats and beavers are in fact native to North America, columnist William Kristol was quick to reply in an editorial in The Weekly Standard that these biologists are clearly "anti-Semitic Okies."
Iranian representatives have freely admitted in the past that they used trained badgers in the 1980-1988 Iran-Iraq war and Hezbollah resistance fighters in Southern Lebanon were observed to use exceptionally fast rabbits and hares as well as falcons to gather information on Israeli troop movements in the 2006 summer conflict.