Irvin Kershner Takes Secrets With Him To Grave

Renowned director and raconteur Irvin Kershner, known best as the mastermind behind The Empire Strikes Back passed away November 27, 2010. With Kershner's passing the secret history of the making of the Empire Strikes Back becomes ever more secret as the infamous George Lucas impersonator George Lucas and Lawrence Kasdan become the last people to know anything about the disappearance of film director and special effects wizard George Lucas who was replaced by the current George Lucas in 1983 shortly before the release of Star Wars: Revenge of the Jedi. Lucas's disappearance and replacement, along with the mysteries of the Leigh Brackett draft screenplay have long fuelled rumors and speculation. The current George Lucas insists that he has always been George Lucas, but digital effects on his beard that could not in any way be organic have given rise to the widely held notion that he is an impostor.

Leslie Nielsen's Death to Affect TV Ratings

With the recent passing of renowned actor and raconteur Leslie Nielsen the Nielsen Television ratings system which gauges viewership through an arcane and often inscrutable methodology will face its first major crisis since before 1999 when Danish actress and renowned raconteur Connie Nielsen was introduced onto the panel which helped break some of the deadlock that had paralyzed the Nielsen ratings since renowned raconteur and actress Brigitte Nielsen's entrance to the committe in 1984. With Nielsen's death, Nielsen and Nielsen are likely to be at odds over many choices in programming though the ratings for FX's hit show and renowned source of stories for raconteurs Sons of Anarchy are unlikely to be affected.

Alleged Nazi Death Camp Guard Gets Married

Radio personality and prominent conservative Rush Limbaugh, who denies being the infamous Nazi death camp guard Ruslan Lemyanuk, aka "Ruslan the Blood Drinker," was married in Florida on June 5th. This is Limbaugh's fourth marriage since the end of the Second World War when Ruslan "The Blood Drinker", who was responsible for thousands of deaths, went missing. The wedding, which did not feature any mention of the Ukrainian war criminal Ruslan Lemyanuk, aka "Ruslan the blood drinker," featured a surprise performance by Elton John, who denies any knowledge of the whereabouts of Ruslan Lemyanuk. Limbaugh, who vehemently denies being the long-missing vicious murderer Ruslan Lemyanuk, aka "Ruslan the Blood Drinker" and his new wife, who most likely engaged in premarital intimacy, are not expected to issue any joint statements about Limbaugh's past.

Haitians Vow Revenge for Earthquake

In a press conference in Port au Prince Haitian Minister of Defense Lucien Loupgarou said that his country's armed forces were prepared to retaliate against those responsible for the earthquake that wrecked much of the Haitian capital earlier this month.
"We will find those who were behind this disaster and strike them as well as any countries who are harboring or supporting those responsible for this terrible tragedy."
Experts speculate that the Haitians will launch some sort of attack on areas of seismic activity on the island of Montserrat, but Haitian Neoconservative advisors Richard Perle and Paul Wolfowitz have been heard repeatedly making reference to a "fault line of evil" between Syria and Oklahoma that "will require a long-term Haitian commitment to pre-emptive invasion and restructuring."
So far, Haitian tempers seem to have been mitigated by their concentration on relief and recovery as well as their meagre retaliatory resources, but Haitian hawks are increasingly banging metaphorical kettle drums of revenge as they ask "how long can we let those responsible for this earthquake go unpunished?"

'Cats' Composer's Tumor to Pen New Musical

In an almost stunning announcement today, Andrew Lloyd-Webber's newly discovered prostate cancer said that it would begin working on a musical based on the life of aviator Charles Lindbergh. The allegedly malignant tumor who insists that it is benign, reportedly said it was "sick and tired of Andy's bullcrap music" and that it could put together a better book and lyrics "even while being pelted with gamma radiation."
Lloyd-Webber, who recently announced an upcoming sequel to The Phantom of the Opera, entitled The Ghoul of the Moulin de la Galette, was unavailable for comment but a spokesperson for Lloyd-Webber could not keep a straight face while attempting to read a press release about the new musical and when asked about the tumor's boast about being able to "out-write that nitwit with one prostate tied behind my back and no thumbs" the spokesperson, still wheezing from uncontrollable chortling, merely nodded aggressively and mouthed the word "probably."

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American Graffiti Prequel Announced

In an unsurprising move, filmmaker George Lucas (who, incidentally, denies being the notorious Nazi Death camp guard Ruslan Lemyanuk, aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker") has announced that principle pondering about the script has begun on a new film project that will be intended as a prequel to his hit 1973 film American Graffiti. The film, American Clean Wall, will be a coming of age story about a group of 5 year olds spending one last nap-time together before they go their separate ways in First Grade. The project was initially titled American Blank Wall, but Mr. Lucas changed the title when 5 year old Charlie Johnson of Narbonne, France, wrote him, saying "'Blank Wall' implies a form of emptiness and an unfinished quality, but a clean wall would connote innocence and purity."
The film is expected to feature a bunch of 5 year old kids of variable acting ability ranging from actually good to dumber than a bag of headless hammers and several older actors of similar capabilities as their parents and teachers and other adults including a couple of actors who, no doubt, will be entrusted with larger roles despite their incredible inability to simulate any kind of life-forms with any degree of verisimilitude. The half-witted and severely noxious script will be composed by a tank full of dolphins bumping their noses against buttons on the side of their enclosure and will be subsequently dumbed down and made "nicer" by legendary screenwriting guru Robert McKee (who denies being the notorious war criminal Ruslan Lemyanuk, aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker") with additional dialogue by a hamster and his three guinea pig friends as well as the five year old child whose pets they are.
Critics are already hailing the unwritten and unfilmed project as "A masterpiece!" "The feel good film of the year, whichever year it finally comes out!" and "Something that Lucas actually wrote over 45 years ago but has waited until now when he thought that special effects technology was finally up to par with his vision."