Starbucks Unveils New "Beverage"

Starbucks unveiled its new beverage, the Venti Can of Coke which is also available as an Iced Venti Can of Coke. Marketing and Advertising representatives were ecstatic in their praise for the innovative new drink, while consumers of liquids cautiously expressed optimism that it wouldn't be another fiasco like 1999's Grande Mocha Delaware Punch. The Venti Can of Coke is expected to cost between $4 and $6 depending on what pretentious hipsters are willing to pay to be considered "with it."

Iraqis Not Quite Sure Why They’re Celebrating Bea Arthur’s Death

Baghdad, Iraq – Jubilant and somewhat confused Iraqis crowded Baghdad’s al Maud Square to celebrate the death of Bea Arthur as the government declared three days of national thanksgiving for the dubious triumph. Sunnis, Shias, Kurds, Turkomans, Chaldeans, Sabaens, a pair of Uighurs and even some Okies gathered together to pull down a statue of Bea Arthur which was then pelted with shoes and sheep dung. The depth of Iraqi hatred for Bea Arthur seemed to be a surprise even to Iraqis themselves. “I didn’t even know we had a statue of this woman here to begin with,” one Iraqi bystander said, “but for some reason we can all agree that we don’t like her.” Foreign governments at a loss to understand the situation were quick to offer messages of support and congratulations.
In an unrelated story, Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al Maliki is expected to call for seven days of national mourning for Dom Deluise.