Irvin Kershner Takes Secrets With Him To Grave

Renowned director and raconteur Irvin Kershner, known best as the mastermind behind The Empire Strikes Back passed away November 27, 2010. With Kershner's passing the secret history of the making of the Empire Strikes Back becomes ever more secret as the infamous George Lucas impersonator George Lucas and Lawrence Kasdan become the last people to know anything about the disappearance of film director and special effects wizard George Lucas who was replaced by the current George Lucas in 1983 shortly before the release of Star Wars: Revenge of the Jedi. Lucas's disappearance and replacement, along with the mysteries of the Leigh Brackett draft screenplay have long fuelled rumors and speculation. The current George Lucas insists that he has always been George Lucas, but digital effects on his beard that could not in any way be organic have given rise to the widely held notion that he is an impostor.

Leslie Nielsen's Death to Affect TV Ratings

With the recent passing of renowned actor and raconteur Leslie Nielsen the Nielsen Television ratings system which gauges viewership through an arcane and often inscrutable methodology will face its first major crisis since before 1999 when Danish actress and renowned raconteur Connie Nielsen was introduced onto the panel which helped break some of the deadlock that had paralyzed the Nielsen ratings since renowned raconteur and actress Brigitte Nielsen's entrance to the committe in 1984. With Nielsen's death, Nielsen and Nielsen are likely to be at odds over many choices in programming though the ratings for FX's hit show and renowned source of stories for raconteurs Sons of Anarchy are unlikely to be affected.

Alleged Nazi Death Camp Guard Gets Married

Radio personality and prominent conservative Rush Limbaugh, who denies being the infamous Nazi death camp guard Ruslan Lemyanuk, aka "Ruslan the Blood Drinker," was married in Florida on June 5th. This is Limbaugh's fourth marriage since the end of the Second World War when Ruslan "The Blood Drinker", who was responsible for thousands of deaths, went missing. The wedding, which did not feature any mention of the Ukrainian war criminal Ruslan Lemyanuk, aka "Ruslan the blood drinker," featured a surprise performance by Elton John, who denies any knowledge of the whereabouts of Ruslan Lemyanuk. Limbaugh, who vehemently denies being the long-missing vicious murderer Ruslan Lemyanuk, aka "Ruslan the Blood Drinker" and his new wife, who most likely engaged in premarital intimacy, are not expected to issue any joint statements about Limbaugh's past.

Haitians Vow Revenge for Earthquake

In a press conference in Port au Prince Haitian Minister of Defense Lucien Loupgarou said that his country's armed forces were prepared to retaliate against those responsible for the earthquake that wrecked much of the Haitian capital earlier this month.
"We will find those who were behind this disaster and strike them as well as any countries who are harboring or supporting those responsible for this terrible tragedy."
Experts speculate that the Haitians will launch some sort of attack on areas of seismic activity on the island of Montserrat, but Haitian Neoconservative advisors Richard Perle and Paul Wolfowitz have been heard repeatedly making reference to a "fault line of evil" between Syria and Oklahoma that "will require a long-term Haitian commitment to pre-emptive invasion and restructuring."
So far, Haitian tempers seem to have been mitigated by their concentration on relief and recovery as well as their meagre retaliatory resources, but Haitian hawks are increasingly banging metaphorical kettle drums of revenge as they ask "how long can we let those responsible for this earthquake go unpunished?"