God Fires Warning Shots at Alaska

In an attempt to get the people of Alaska to repent and turn aside their wickedness God has reportedly fired several warning shots all last week from Mount Redoubt. God was unavailable for comment, but a leaked memo seemed to indicate that several commandments had been broken with especial emphasis on numbers 1, 2 and 3. There is no word yet on what level of smiting Alaska is expected to receive, but some voices in the wilderness seem to expect that at the very least God intends to turn the most recalcitrant of Alaska's vainglorious sinners into "shiftless Okies, drifting from place to place with the ashes of their destruction marking them." Alaska Deputy Lieutenant Governor Abner Belshazzar dismissed the notion that God is preparing to smite Alaska, saying "It's a simple matter of volcanic activity, and nothing supernatural at all. Now, does anyone know where I can get a bucket of lamb's blood?"

Attempted Coup in Madagascar Led by Lemurs

Proclaiming that they "like to move it, move it" troops of the Madagascar army have stormed the residence of President Marc Ravalomanana. Witnesses saw soldiers and several lemurs driving an armored vehicle through the gates of the Antananarivo residence while gyrating wildly. No word yet on whether the lemurs are being aided by penguins.

Fitch Separatists Take Over Stores

Separatists belonging to the Fitch Independence Movement have taken over a dozen Abercrombie & Fitch stores in malls across the country in a move that has stunned experts who predicted a peaceful resolution of the tensions between Abercrombie and Fitch loyalists. Abercrombie Unionist spokeman Ian Toolbaugh denounced the Fitch rebellion in casual press conference where he was repeatedly interrupted by a touch football game in the background.
Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov has offered full diplomatic recognition to the Fitchkrian Republic and has suggested that any move by Abercrombie troops to take back the breakaway Fitch stores will trigger Russian military intervention. "The Russian Federation is not a collection of Okies to be trifled with. We will not stand idly by while Abercrombie oppresses the peaceful people of Fitch.
US State Department Spokesman Dan Dorrity declined to take a position on the matter, merely stating that the US position would be clear just as soon as senior officials had finished having lunch with lobbyists for the powerful Abercrombie American Political Action Committee.