Fitch Separatists Take Over Stores

Separatists belonging to the Fitch Independence Movement have taken over a dozen Abercrombie & Fitch stores in malls across the country in a move that has stunned experts who predicted a peaceful resolution of the tensions between Abercrombie and Fitch loyalists. Abercrombie Unionist spokeman Ian Toolbaugh denounced the Fitch rebellion in casual press conference where he was repeatedly interrupted by a touch football game in the background.
Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov has offered full diplomatic recognition to the Fitchkrian Republic and has suggested that any move by Abercrombie troops to take back the breakaway Fitch stores will trigger Russian military intervention. "The Russian Federation is not a collection of Okies to be trifled with. We will not stand idly by while Abercrombie oppresses the peaceful people of Fitch.
US State Department Spokesman Dan Dorrity declined to take a position on the matter, merely stating that the US position would be clear just as soon as senior officials had finished having lunch with lobbyists for the powerful Abercrombie American Political Action Committee.