Obama to Offer Hugs for Atoms

As part of a new diplomatic initiative, the State Department is announcing the "Hugs for Atoms" program to roll back nuclear proliferation. The program is designed to offer large-scale opportunities for hugging and "outreach" to countries who are prepared to make a pledge to ban all nuclear activities and to pursue peaceful dismantling of their nuclear programs.
State Department underspokesperson Mindy McLemyanuk (who denies any relation to the notorious Nazi death camp guard Ruslan Lemyanuk aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker") said "We know that people like hugs and the hugs are much better than uranium enrichment, so why not give hugs a chance to take over from centrifuges." Skeptics, including conservative analyst Marcus Porcius Cato from the Porcii Institute have expressed doubts about the program. "Rogue countries," said Mr. Cato in a speech to the Rostrum Club of Rome, Georgia, "and even non-rogue countries that are still sane and have working mental faculties aren't just going to roll over and give up their rights under the Non-Proliferation Treaty for a hug or two. I mean, they're not a bunch of Okies." Meanwhile in a speech to a cafetorium full of 1st Graders Under Secretary of State for Hugging Affairs Ruslan Lemyanuk said "Elmo likes hugs, and Elmo is an honorable...person. Nuclear weapons are bad. And countries that enrich uranium are sad. Hugs make people happy. People need hugs and we're going to give them hugs until the bad goes out of them."
In a related story, singer-songwriter Jewel is rumored to be in talks with the Pet Shop Boys, Tiffany, Susanna Hoffs, Kajagoogoo, Chris Isaak and Sigue Sigue Sputnik to be putting together a "Hugs for Africa" concert.