Hurrican Adlai Expected To Bring Dry, Witty Weather

Meteorologists report that a new Tropical Weather System, named Hurricane Adlai, will be heading into the Gulf of Mexico bringing up the rear right behind Hurricane Ike. Hurricane Adlai will likely lightly mist the Gulf Coast of Texas with intellectually satisfying progressive rain showers and witty aphorisms. Hurricane Adlai will probably not be as thunderous as Hurricane Ike and will go right over the heads of less educated coastal residents who are still reeling from the pounding they took from Hurricane Strom last season.

Israel to Offer Land for Land in New Peace Deal

In what it has termed its "most generous offer yet" the Israeli cabinet is set to approve an offer to Palestinians of up to 90% of the West Bank in Second Life in return for 70% of Palestinian controlled territories in the West Bank. "90 for 70, how can you say no to a deal like that," proclaimed chief Israeli negotiator Shulamit Loewenstein. The office of Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas issued a cautious statement, indicating that they "would have to review the details of the offer." US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice expressed optimism in a press conference in Tbilisi. "This is a positive step forward and we hope the Palestinian people and their representatives will respond positively and make a choice for peace." Meanwhile, Hamas spokeman Ahmad Yunis reacted negatively to the Israeli proposal that would leave several large settlements in Second Life and which would still leave Israel in control of border crossings and airspace over Second Life West Bank and Gaza. "Second Life, really?" said the Hamas spokesman, "They must think we're a bunch of ignorant Okies." In a separate statement Secretary of State Rice proposed a one time payment of $2 million Linden Dollars to aid Palestinian reconstruction.

Cato Institute Games Unveils New Dance Game

Cato Institute Games, a branch of the Washington based think tank, unveiled a new arcade game designed to "teach children values and possibly entertain them." The game, called Dance Dance Counter-Revolution, is set to debut at numerous Pizza/Arcade locations nationwide this week.

Lieberman Accuses Iran of Training Rodents, Other Small Mammals

In a speech at the Amalgamated Aluminum and Linoleum Line Workers League Buffet Hall today Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman accused Iranian Revolutionary Guard agents of training special teams of muskrats and beavers for the purposes of undermining flood barriers. "I have very reliable information that agents of the Qute Force of the Revolutionary Guards, with the knowledge of the highest levels of the Iranian government, have established training camps for small furry mammals, including the muskrats responsible for the destruction of the Mississippi River levees during last month's flood," said Lieberman. The Senator went on to imply that theses special furry teams could also have been behind the disasters of Hurricane Katrina. "We must be vigilant against this new menace and I believe we can't waste any time in striking at the training mounds and hutches and warrens or wherever else these varmints are being trained." Colorado Representative Tom Tancredo concurred with Lieberman's accusations adding that "these critters are clearly not American. They're small brown and furry and clearly coming in through our porous borders."
While many biologists have recently attempted to explain that muskrats and beavers are in fact native to North America, columnist William Kristol was quick to reply in an editorial in The Weekly Standard that these biologists are clearly "anti-Semitic Okies."
Iranian representatives have freely admitted in the past that they used trained badgers in the 1980-1988 Iran-Iraq war and Hezbollah resistance fighters in Southern Lebanon were observed to use exceptionally fast rabbits and hares as well as falcons to gather information on Israeli troop movements in the 2006 summer conflict.

Apple Unveils New Macintosh Leonard OS

Apple Computers proudly unveiled its new Leonard operating system today. Apple head honcho Steve Jobs beamed as the new Leonard OS was given a test run in front of a small room full of pathetic journalists who think technology makes a difference.
"Leonard 6.0 is giant leap forward in flexibility and power," said one paid minion. "I really don't know what this is about," said a bewildered journalist, "but I hear if you stay 'til the end there's crackers and cheese in the lobby." Biz for the new OS is expected to be boffo compared to Leonard 5.0, but some forecasters predict that with a little bit of patience consumers can just wait for Leonard 7.0 for about as much good as any of them will do when you don't have a job or a place to live in the coming economic mess.

Sleep for Two

Scientists studying sleep have announced a new breakthrough in their understanding of the mental cycles involved in brain hibernation. "We've known about the effects of REM sleep for some time," said a scientist, "but until now we had not understood the effects of 10,000 Maniacs sleep." According to the Institute for Science Things, the Natalie Merchant based sleep has profound effects on the mind and is especially connected to insomnia and speech aberrations such as Acute Affected Accent Syndrome and Lost Relationship Weeping Disorder. Scientists were unable to explain just what this breakthrough implied without resorting to meaningless jargon and vague pleasant-sounding generalities. "The answers are not quite as obvious as they are for the Belle & Sebastian Sleep Cycle," said another scientist.

Iraqi Truce Eyed Warily in Light of WGA Strike

Leaders of the Sadr movement in Iraq and their Mahdi Army allies are reported to be reconsidering their cease-fire in light of the recent developments in the Writer's Guild Strike. Spokescleric Kazim al-Ghazi has been quoted as saying: "I don't see why we can't get a percentage of DVD sales and internet revenue, too. What are we, a bunch of Okies?"
Although it remains unclear just what DVD's or internet content is being talked about Sunni militias and CLC's [Concerned Local Citizens) have also grown restless. Several protesters in Ramadi could be seen waving signs that read "Hollywood Must Pay!" and "Producers are Greedier than Saddam ever was!"
Hollywood producers were unavailable for comment but they are clearly rattled by the implications. "We may just have to cut a deal," said one producer's minion who preferred to remain anonymous. "These people mean business. I don't know what they want, but they'll probably get it."
Spokespersons for coalition forces in Iraq refused to comment on the record, but indicated that if Hollywood producers caved to the demands of the Shia and Sunni then they would expect to go on strike next. "What are we, a bunch of Okies?" said one officer. "We're as good as the writers, directors, actors and militias."

Kosovo Declares Independence, Dude Abides

As most Kosovars celebrated the dual announcement of the end of the WGA Writer's Strike and the declaration of Kosovo's independence, Serbians gathered in Belgrade today to fume and vent their anger toward the "Balkan-hating Okies" who they claim have taken away their prized province. Crowds in Belgrade chanted slogans such as "Okies go home!" and "Where's my freakin' pizza?" while demonstrators held up signs reading "Homeless Veteran, Plez help, God Bless" and "Why lie? I need a beer."
While Serbian Prime Minister Kostunica belligerently declared Okies and members of the WGA unwelcome in Belgrade, Serbian President Boris Tadic merely shook his head sadly and said "That province really held the room together."
Kosovo's new goverment responded immediately, issuing a statement that denied ever peeing on the province and stating definitively that Kosovo "is bonafide."
The entire country of Montenegro was unavailable for comment, as usual.