'Cats' Composer's Tumor to Pen New Musical

In an almost stunning announcement today, Andrew Lloyd-Webber's newly discovered prostate cancer said that it would begin working on a musical based on the life of aviator Charles Lindbergh. The allegedly malignant tumor who insists that it is benign, reportedly said it was "sick and tired of Andy's bullcrap music" and that it could put together a better book and lyrics "even while being pelted with gamma radiation."
Lloyd-Webber, who recently announced an upcoming sequel to The Phantom of the Opera, entitled The Ghoul of the Moulin de la Galette, was unavailable for comment but a spokesperson for Lloyd-Webber could not keep a straight face while attempting to read a press release about the new musical and when asked about the tumor's boast about being able to "out-write that nitwit with one prostate tied behind my back and no thumbs" the spokesperson, still wheezing from uncontrollable chortling, merely nodded aggressively and mouthed the word "probably."

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American Graffiti Prequel Announced

In an unsurprising move, filmmaker George Lucas (who, incidentally, denies being the notorious Nazi Death camp guard Ruslan Lemyanuk, aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker") has announced that principle pondering about the script has begun on a new film project that will be intended as a prequel to his hit 1973 film American Graffiti. The film, American Clean Wall, will be a coming of age story about a group of 5 year olds spending one last nap-time together before they go their separate ways in First Grade. The project was initially titled American Blank Wall, but Mr. Lucas changed the title when 5 year old Charlie Johnson of Narbonne, France, wrote him, saying "'Blank Wall' implies a form of emptiness and an unfinished quality, but a clean wall would connote innocence and purity."
The film is expected to feature a bunch of 5 year old kids of variable acting ability ranging from actually good to dumber than a bag of headless hammers and several older actors of similar capabilities as their parents and teachers and other adults including a couple of actors who, no doubt, will be entrusted with larger roles despite their incredible inability to simulate any kind of life-forms with any degree of verisimilitude. The half-witted and severely noxious script will be composed by a tank full of dolphins bumping their noses against buttons on the side of their enclosure and will be subsequently dumbed down and made "nicer" by legendary screenwriting guru Robert McKee (who denies being the notorious war criminal Ruslan Lemyanuk, aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker") with additional dialogue by a hamster and his three guinea pig friends as well as the five year old child whose pets they are.
Critics are already hailing the unwritten and unfilmed project as "A masterpiece!" "The feel good film of the year, whichever year it finally comes out!" and "Something that Lucas actually wrote over 45 years ago but has waited until now when he thought that special effects technology was finally up to par with his vision."

Obama to Offer Hugs for Atoms

As part of a new diplomatic initiative, the State Department is announcing the "Hugs for Atoms" program to roll back nuclear proliferation. The program is designed to offer large-scale opportunities for hugging and "outreach" to countries who are prepared to make a pledge to ban all nuclear activities and to pursue peaceful dismantling of their nuclear programs.
State Department underspokesperson Mindy McLemyanuk (who denies any relation to the notorious Nazi death camp guard Ruslan Lemyanuk aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker") said "We know that people like hugs and the hugs are much better than uranium enrichment, so why not give hugs a chance to take over from centrifuges." Skeptics, including conservative analyst Marcus Porcius Cato from the Porcii Institute have expressed doubts about the program. "Rogue countries," said Mr. Cato in a speech to the Rostrum Club of Rome, Georgia, "and even non-rogue countries that are still sane and have working mental faculties aren't just going to roll over and give up their rights under the Non-Proliferation Treaty for a hug or two. I mean, they're not a bunch of Okies." Meanwhile in a speech to a cafetorium full of 1st Graders Under Secretary of State for Hugging Affairs Ruslan Lemyanuk said "Elmo likes hugs, and Elmo is an honorable...person. Nuclear weapons are bad. And countries that enrich uranium are sad. Hugs make people happy. People need hugs and we're going to give them hugs until the bad goes out of them."
In a related story, singer-songwriter Jewel is rumored to be in talks with the Pet Shop Boys, Tiffany, Susanna Hoffs, Kajagoogoo, Chris Isaak and Sigue Sigue Sputnik to be putting together a "Hugs for Africa" concert.

Limbaugh Denies War Criminal Past

Conservative talk-show host and commentator Rush Limbaugh is vehemently denying charges that he is the notorious Nazi death camp guard Ruslan Lemyanuk aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker." The Simon Wisenheimer Center has promised to look into the matter, and a spokesman for the center said that they "hope the matter can be resolved in a manner that will bring peace to the memories of all those whose blood calls out for justice."
Limbaugh, who denies being a Nazi death camp guard, has been repeatedly singled out for suspicion despite no compelling physical evidence that he was, in fact Ruslan Lemyanuk aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker."
Israeli authorities have not yet expressed an interest in extraditing Limbaugh, who denies being Ukrainian, or a Nazi death camp guard, and also denies being Ruslan Lemyanuk aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker." But Israeli law does provide for the possibility of the death sentence for Limbaugh if in fact he is proven to be the alleged war criminal Ruslan Lemyanuk aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker" and is then extradited to Israel and found guilty.
Several European states, including Russia and Germany, also have provisions for prosecuting Mr. Limbaugh for war crimes committed while he was a Nazi death camp guard, if he is found to be Ruslan Lemyanuk aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker" and is then extradited.
In a brief statement on his radio show today Limbaugh denied being Ukrainian while continuing to deny being a war criminal and also denying that he is the notorious death camp guard Ruslan Lemyanuk aka "Ruslan the Blood-drinker."

Starbucks Unveils New "Beverage"

Starbucks unveiled its new beverage, the Venti Can of Coke which is also available as an Iced Venti Can of Coke. Marketing and Advertising representatives were ecstatic in their praise for the innovative new drink, while consumers of liquids cautiously expressed optimism that it wouldn't be another fiasco like 1999's Grande Mocha Delaware Punch. The Venti Can of Coke is expected to cost between $4 and $6 depending on what pretentious hipsters are willing to pay to be considered "with it."

Iraqis Not Quite Sure Why They’re Celebrating Bea Arthur’s Death

Baghdad, Iraq – Jubilant and somewhat confused Iraqis crowded Baghdad’s al Maud Square to celebrate the death of Bea Arthur as the government declared three days of national thanksgiving for the dubious triumph. Sunnis, Shias, Kurds, Turkomans, Chaldeans, Sabaens, a pair of Uighurs and even some Okies gathered together to pull down a statue of Bea Arthur which was then pelted with shoes and sheep dung. The depth of Iraqi hatred for Bea Arthur seemed to be a surprise even to Iraqis themselves. “I didn’t even know we had a statue of this woman here to begin with,” one Iraqi bystander said, “but for some reason we can all agree that we don’t like her.” Foreign governments at a loss to understand the situation were quick to offer messages of support and congratulations.
In an unrelated story, Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al Maliki is expected to call for seven days of national mourning for Dom Deluise.

God Fires Warning Shots at Alaska

In an attempt to get the people of Alaska to repent and turn aside their wickedness God has reportedly fired several warning shots all last week from Mount Redoubt. God was unavailable for comment, but a leaked memo seemed to indicate that several commandments had been broken with especial emphasis on numbers 1, 2 and 3. There is no word yet on what level of smiting Alaska is expected to receive, but some voices in the wilderness seem to expect that at the very least God intends to turn the most recalcitrant of Alaska's vainglorious sinners into "shiftless Okies, drifting from place to place with the ashes of their destruction marking them." Alaska Deputy Lieutenant Governor Abner Belshazzar dismissed the notion that God is preparing to smite Alaska, saying "It's a simple matter of volcanic activity, and nothing supernatural at all. Now, does anyone know where I can get a bucket of lamb's blood?"

Attempted Coup in Madagascar Led by Lemurs

Proclaiming that they "like to move it, move it" troops of the Madagascar army have stormed the residence of President Marc Ravalomanana. Witnesses saw soldiers and several lemurs driving an armored vehicle through the gates of the Antananarivo residence while gyrating wildly. No word yet on whether the lemurs are being aided by penguins.

Fitch Separatists Take Over Stores

Separatists belonging to the Fitch Independence Movement have taken over a dozen Abercrombie & Fitch stores in malls across the country in a move that has stunned experts who predicted a peaceful resolution of the tensions between Abercrombie and Fitch loyalists. Abercrombie Unionist spokeman Ian Toolbaugh denounced the Fitch rebellion in casual press conference where he was repeatedly interrupted by a touch football game in the background.
Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov has offered full diplomatic recognition to the Fitchkrian Republic and has suggested that any move by Abercrombie troops to take back the breakaway Fitch stores will trigger Russian military intervention. "The Russian Federation is not a collection of Okies to be trifled with. We will not stand idly by while Abercrombie oppresses the peaceful people of Fitch.
US State Department Spokesman Dan Dorrity declined to take a position on the matter, merely stating that the US position would be clear just as soon as senior officials had finished having lunch with lobbyists for the powerful Abercrombie American Political Action Committee.